self entertainment

Its really hard for me to get bored. Its not that I don't get myself into situations that other people would find boring. Its just that I don't find them boring. Take staring at a wall for instance. Most people would find that exquisitely boring and a complete waste of time. I think its hours of great entertainment. And its free. As long as you didn't have to pay for the wall. I mean if its like the wall of your apartment its not exactly free. But some brick wall downtown works just fine. Brick walls are even better than sheet-rock or plaster. Actually plaster walls are really interesting. Sometimes there are really cool patterns just waiting to be found. That happens with anything that is done by hand. There are always these awesome little mistakes that aren't big enough to warrant fixing but are just enough to add some flair. Sometimes I'll even stare at the backs of my eyelids for hours on end. I never get bored, I just live longer. You know how time seems to slow down when things aren't all that interesting. Well if you just embrace that fact and do more boring shit your lifespan will be increased by a huge amount. The real trick to not getting bored is being able to hallucinate on command. It has to be on command though. Hallucinating when you don't want to can be extremely terrifying. On the other hand if you're stuck looking at a blank wall for several hours, a good hallucination can be just the ticket. Or just walking across the living room can go from being a mindless chore to a great adventure in which you must avoid all of the stalactites and stalagmites growing from the floor and ceiling. That happened to me once. I was real careful because the ones on the floor looked really sharp. I think if I had stepped on one it might have pierced my foot. I wasn't wearing any shoes so I didn't have any protection. I did have a hat on so I figured my head was protected from the razor sharp stalactites. In retrospect I doubt that a straw oriental hat really would have protected my head from anything. Luckily it was all in my imagination so I was never in any really danger. Another cool thing to do is seeing black and white movie hallucinations on colored walls. Like a green film noir. Or you can project the movie on a window so you have real picture in picture. Not just up in the corner but all throughout. I think they should make a movie like that. Just overlay two movies and the sound from both and present it as a brand new movie. It would be a great way to save money on production costs. I don't know that it would be received all that well. Well I've forgotten what I was talking about, so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead, or at least not too far behind.

Intrinsic

Intrinsic is an interesting word. I'm not really sure what it means at the moment. I knew what it used to mean a while ago, but I can't be sure it hasn't changed its meaning on me. Also I can't really remember what it used to mean, so its possible it still means the same thing as it used to. The real lesson learned here is that I can't think straight when I'm tired. On top of that I can't even think straight when I'm tired. I think I might be tired, I'm never really sure. Am I tired, or is my mind just not working up to par at the moment. I mean I really like sleep, I thoroughly enjoy it, so what if my mind is just faking it so that I will go to sleep. I have some trust issues when it comes to my mind. Well really I should just say I have some trust issues. We can leave my mind out of it. There are some things I trust. I trust my memory to never work whenever I'm trying to think of things that I trust. Other than that I can't remember what it was. Built in, thats it. I bet you thought I'd forgotten all about the whole intrinsic issue. Well I didn't. And I can now say that it has the same meaning that it had the last time I remembered what it meant, because remembering what it meant triggered another memory of the last time I remembered what it meant. I'm not so great with words. I know a shit-ton of them but I can never remember what they mean. Its not that I know of the word and not what it means, its more along the lines of me knowing that I know what the word means but not at the moment. Thats another thing that I trust. I'll always remember what the word means eventually, sometimes it just takes a while. A similar situation happens with french, except that with french I really don't know what the words mean. I have all these french words in my head, but I just know that they are words and not what they mean. This leads to some very confusing dreams. I used to dream in french. Unfortunately for me I couldn't understand any of it. I know it was french, I didn't make that part up. I just didn't know what any of it meant. It was like living a surrealist fench film without subtitles and then finding out you have the leading role. Sometimes I would even be talking in these dreams, in french. Talking in french that is. Even then I still couldn't understand what I was saying. Its a horrible feeling to have words hemorrhaging out of your mouth and no idea what any of them mean. I'm used to the hemorrhaging part, that happens all the time, but the whole french part really disturbed me. I would have preferred that clicky african language. That would be intrinsically cooler.

next stop philly

There is no more room in this world

Trees here, trees there,
And all throughout roads to everywhere.
No more forests, no more fen,
No more wilderness and when
I try to lose myself, to get
Away from all these people in their Met-
Ropolitan areas and suburbia
All I find is an endless sea of
Houses, towers and telephone poles.
People feeding the government with taxes and tolls.
There is no more room in this world.




dumpster diver

have you ever tried
to go into a building
and
been told your kind
aren't welcome
and
then a sleaze ball with
a tie on
and
a hair cut walks
right by
no
questions asked
why
are you less worthy for
respecting your hair
and
dressing comfortably
who is better
the man who hordes his
money to pay
for fancy clothes and
fancy haircuts
or
the man who gives
his money to those in need
and finds his clothes in the dumpster.




My Reality

I have never been there.
Not that I should know where
there is, or where
I have been. Have you been
to the places I have been.
You cannot know for
I have never told you
of the places I have been.
Many far ones and some near.
There are many of my
places I have been
that you will never be and have never been.
These places do not exist
in your reality.
They are mine.




Army Man

Are you with the army.
You act like you are with the army.
Confident.
Well composed.
But you are not just with the army.
You are with people.




How far is the nearest bus station?

How far is the nearest bus station?
It must be far.
Not in terms of space,
If that is the term, but
In time.
The time is very long.
It reaches to New York,
And all points North
Or to Miami,
And all points Florida.
It is far in trouble also.
There is no helping the trouble.
It is bound to happen.
'This bus will terminate in Baltimore,
Those bound for D.C. must get off.'
How far is the nearest train station?

Jim

I've been working on a series of short stories and anecdotes about a guy named Jim for several months now. It's sort of a third person look back at events in an old man's life. I haven't yet decided how they should be arranged and I've not come close to writing everything I want to about him, but I feel that I should start putting some of the stories out there, or here as it is. So in the next couple of days I should start putting up some of these stories. This is as much a reminder to myself to do it as anything, because I'm too tired to do it right now and I don't want to forget that I had this idea.

talking to myself

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you there. Actually I still don't see you. I'm just being on the safe side and pretending you're there. That way if you really are you'll be surprised that I know you're there. Well I guess now you won't, but you would have been if I hadn't spilled the beans. Even if you're not there, who cares. There's no one here to see that I'm talking to myself. Its the perfect win-win for me. Unless someone walks in at 'see you there.' That could be a bit awkward. But I don't really care if people think I'm crazy so I'd probably just go all out and totally freak out over the fact that this intruder can't see you. Then I'd start making up things you were saying and ask them if they heard you. That should get rid of whoever this person walking in on me talking to you is. Yeah that's a sure sign of mental instability. Pretending to be seeing things to get out of someone hearing you talk to the very same imaginary person. Unless you are real and just invisible.

kindness: it contagious

There was this kid. And he was running down the street. It seemed odd that he was running because he was wearing dress shoes. I've only ever seen adults run in dress shoes. When I was a kid I was always super careful of dress shoes because I knew they cost about a bazillion times more than the normal shoes that I got to pick out off the shoe racks at the thrift store. Of course the dress shoes I wore were from K-mart and only cost about twenty bucks, but I didn't know that. All I knew was that I was the first person to ever wear them. That seemed pretty impressive to a kid who was used to hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes. Maybe this kid was like I was, maybe he was wearing dress shoes because those were the only ones he had. I guess they don't seem so special if you wear them everyday. The rest of his clothes weren't fancy just his shoes. I really only caught a glimpse of him before he had plunged around the corner. He was running like only a kid can, with all of his heart.
I guess I shouldn't blame it on the kid. Its my fault for daydreaming about my childhood. All he did was run enthusiastically around the corner. I mean can't we just forget about it. There isn't even a scratch or a dent.
I said sure, it could happen to anybody. Luckily he was stopped before hand and just rolled forward a bit. Just a slight loss of focus and the foot eases up on that brake. I was just surprised is all. He sure was lucky I'm a laid back driver. I know some people would have sued him for all he's worth. Say he caused them irreparable emotional damage along with severe whiplash. I can't understand those sorts. Never could. Retribution never helps anything. It makes you a worse person and hurts the person who already feels awful for whatever they did to begin with. Just because they wronged you doesn't make wronging them right.
Thank God that man was so understanding. I really can't believe it. In this day and age with everyone suing everyone else for everything. I thought for sure I'd be out a couple thousand at least. I mean its really refreshing to see someone actually following the golden rule. To be honest with myself I guess I probably would have been really pissed if I was in his position. Probably would have done exactly what I was thankful he didn't do. I guess that's why I thought he'd do it. You always expect the worst out of people if you would do the worst in their position. Oh, I guess I should let this lady cross. Quit honking you asshole I'm trying to do something good for a change.

the unconscious

Well, I was planning on writing something different, but apparently I'm allergic to writing. Thats right, after having typed about three words, I've forgotten what they were now, I started having a sneezing fit that lasted through five kleenex. Oh, now I remember what I was going to write about. No lost it again. Oh yeah...
For the past couple days I have been religiously checking my blog to see if I had posted anything new. Why would I be so idiotic as to do something like that, you may well ask. In answer, I'm not really sure. I guess it never dawned on me until this evening that in order for new posts to appear on my blog I have to write them. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, or if I would have been surprised if there had been any posts. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this right now. Maybe its so that I can check back tomorrow morning and see that there is a new post. I always look forward to reading the new posts. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I never really think about what I'm writing at all. I just sort of write whatever's going through my head when I decide to start. It makes it more interesting for me when I read it later, because its usually quite a surprise. Although fortunately I somehow always manage to tickle my sense of humor. I guess its because I have the same sense of humor as myself. It would be pathetic if I couldn't even make myself laugh at my own jokes. Thats when you know your not funny at all. I've quite forgotten what I was writing about at the moment but it couldn't have been that important and I'm too lazy to scroll up and see. Also that would ruin the fun of reading it tomorrow morning. I can't be giving myself unfair sneak peeks at my latest posts. That's almost as bad as insider trading. Well not really, insider trading is pretty damn bad. Its just a crooked way for no good scammers and Martha Stewart to make lots of money off of other people's misfortunes. How the hell did I manage to get on the topic of insider trading? Sometimes I really wonder how my brain manages. For that matter, I really have no idea how I manage. Supposedly I'm not too bad at it, but I guess its just a case of me accidentally doing everything right. I think the key is to just let your life take you where you're going to go. Whenever you start getting involved in making decisions everything starts going to shit. I really like the philosophy that Douglas Adams put forth. You know the one. I can't remember it right now, but I know I would follow it if I could remember what it was. You'll have to trust me on this one. Honestly I probably wouldn't trust me if I were you. If I were me, I would, but not if I were you. Thankfully I'm me, so I would trust me, which is normally what I do. Well its really more of a faith issue than a trust issue. I just have faith in my subconscious to work everything out for me. I don't have faith in my consciousness so I just rely on the other one, you know that first thing that I mentioned, the unconscious. I think that's why I enjoy my writing. Usually my subconscious has something to say that I don't get while I'm writing it because I just sort of let my thoughts flow out of my mind and then I go back and read it and there's something there. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying its some great important message. Its usually more just along the lines of 'I'm hungry.' Well I think that's enough of that. Good morning me of tomorrow.

Dear Google Ads

I've come to the realization that this relationship is just not working out. Don't worry its not me, its you. You don't seem to understand me. Made its because I treat you like a joke but that just can't be helped. I mean you are a joke. You don't really work. The slim chance that even one person would click on you is exponentially smaller that the minuscule chance that they might read this blog. Seriously the type of people who would like my writing probably aren't the same type of people who would click on web ads. However, all is not lost for you. I have decided to keep you on my blog in the same out of the way spot as I've had you all along. I'm just going to ignore you from now on. Well maybe I'll make fun of you every once in a while but its married life for you from here on out.

Yours unfaithfully,
Beerdo

Victory

Success! Even if its only partial. I now have one peanut butter ad. It looks like my plan is starting to pay off. That's a good thing because I'm getting damn tired of writing about peanut butter, even if it is a miracle cure for cancer. By the way did you know peanut butter is a miracle cure for cancer. I just made that up but maybe its true. You never know. Are you ready for me to make more shit up about peanut butter. Well you better be, cause I'm gonna. On average 5 tons of peanut butter are eaten each hour, its just that good. Apparently you're the only person who doesn't know about it. So get out there and make it six tons. If you eat that much peanut butter you might even become a peanut butter popeye. I don't know about that one but it could just be your spinach. Actually popeye ate peanut butter not spinach, the vegetable industry just tricked everyone into thinking it was spinach because no one liked spinach and everyone already liked peanut butter. Of course the reason they liked peanut butter was because it is just so good. i don't know if you've heard this before but peanut butter won both world wars. The germans just didn't embrace peanut butter the way the US did thats why the allies won. Well vodka was a major factor in WWII as well as peanut butter, but WWI was all because of peanut butter. Anyway have you ever tried putting vodka in peanut butter. I've never tried it but it might work. I feel as though I'm rambling at this point so I'll just go eat some delicious peanut butter. Why don't you eat some peanut butter while surfing the interwebs, which by the way were made possible by none other that peanut butter.

more wonders of peanut butter

Well I don't really feel like finishing that last story about a peanut and his quest not to be made into peanut butter. Why? You may ask. And I may answer, but not right now. So we'll just leave it at that. Why don't you just enjoy a delicious spoonful of peanut butter. You could even put some peanut butter on top that. It always makes things better. You know like that song from mary poppins, a spoonful of peanut butter makes the medicine go down. Peanut butter is just that amazing. Some people even offer it in exchange for cognitive action. As in 'peanut butter for your thoughts.' Personally I would give a lot more than my thoughts for some peanut butter. That deal just seems too good to be true. I mean how can you expect someone to just give away peanut butter and only want some thoughts in return. Or maybe its an advertisement for peanut butter, you know the kind google could be putting on my blog but refuses to. One of the best uses of peanut butter is for stealing if you are hungry. It comes in an easy to carry jar that fits unnoticeably in any baggy coat or jeans. If you sag your pants you can put it in the crotch area and pretend you have a hard on. And its full of lots of healthy protein to rebuild those muscle fibers in case someone does notice you stealing and you have to book it out of there. I have several runner friends who eat gobs of peanut butter after working out for this exact same reason. Well except for the theft part. Anyway if you do end up getting caught stealing it just say you thought it was on sale for free.

The Peanut's Quest

A long time ago or sometime in the future, I'm not really sure, it might even have been right now its hard to tell. Well anyway there was this peanut. He was a brave young peanut and was on a lifelong quest to become butter. Not peanut butter mind you but real butter. He wanted to be a real butter. All of his family, his many millions of siblings that he grew up with in the fields and his parents and everyone who came before them had been turned into peanut butter. His line wasn't so vain as to want to be salted. That was for the elite peanuts, no he came from a long tradition of blue collar peanuts, peanut butter peanuts. But this particular peanut, I've been referring to it as a he nut but it might have been a she nut you never know with these things, wanted something better , he didn't really know what butter was but he figure that since it was what peanut butter was named after it had to be something magnificent, something that a young peanut could aspire to. Well everyone had always told him that his dream was the stupids and that he should just be content with being peanut butter. They told him that the best way to get into peoples' stomachs was to become peanut butter. As you should know the one thing that all peanuts strive for is to reach peanut heaven (a human stomach). But this peanut knew that humans ate butter so he paid no heed to the naysayers. So on the fateful day when all of his field was picked to become the next batch of peanut butter he made his escape. This was when he started researching what...

To Be Continued

more peanut butter

Ok. This google thing is starting to piss me off. Peanut butter peanut butter peanut butter peanut butter peanut butter. Somehow it got the idea to put up ads about tree nurseries and eye care and family trees. Peanut butter peanut butter peanut butter. Where the fuck have I been writing about family trees. Peanut butter. And there's only one damn story involving a tree. Ok two. Peanut butter peanut butter. The one about talking to owls and the one about falling off the earth. Peanut butter. But they were mere references to trees not about them. And I still have no idea how the god damn eye care ad managed to tag along. I can't think of a single thing I've written about optometrists although that could be a good story idea. Peanut butter peanut butter peanut butter. And why haven't I gotten any ads about peanut butter. Thats all I've been writing about since the damn things started, peanut butter. Also did you know you can use peanut butter on mouse and rat traps. Peanut butter has many wonderful uses. I really hope google decides to put some peanut butter ads up otherwise this is going to get really boring because I'm fucking serious here. Peanut butter peanut butter peanut peanut peanut butter. I swear to anyone, and I do mean one because I seriously doubt there are more than one person reading this. I swear to anyone reading this that I will not stop, I will not rest, and I will never give in in my quest to get you the peanut butter ads that you deserve. Peanut Butter!!!

peanut butter

Here goes. I will now try to get peanut butter ads on this blog. Because peanut butter is cool and I thought of it as I was going to bed last night. Also you deserve to see better ads than wasp removal. So peanut butter it is. Now that I've decide to do this I can't think of anything involving peanut butter. Except that peanut butter is delicious, on toast, with honey, or even straight out of the peanut butter jar. I like chunky peanut butter, but some other people like their peanut butter smooth and creamy. Thats for wimpy peanut butter eaters. Peanut butter is also good on crackers in the form of peanut butter crackers. Or peanut butter crackers with honey. You can even dip those delicious peanut butter crackers in milk to have soggy milky peanut butter crackers. Peanuts in general are good and so is butter. You can even put butter on your peanut butter, maybe with a couple corn chips. You can also put butter on peas or peanut butter on peas although I've never tried that one and hesitate to suggest it. You can also eat peanut brittle and even put butter on that. Or you could try some delicious peanut butter cups with butter on of course. Like I said you can put butter or peanut butter for that matter on just about anything. That doesn't mean that it will be good, I'm just saying it is possible. Personally I think I'l have a piece of buttered peanut butter and jam toast with honey on and maybe sprinkle some peanuts on top. Did I mention that I'm allergic to peanuts, but I tough it out and eat them anyway thats how delicious they are. Do you think I've said peanut butter enough? Just in case, peanut butter peanut butter peanut butter peanut butter pea nutbutt erpea nut butter PEANUTBUTTER.

Bees and Wasps Need Eye Exams

Ok these ads are totally freaking me out man. How the fuck does anything I've written have to do with bee and wasp removal. I haven't even mentioned bees or wasps. Well I guess now I have. I can understand the one about getting an eye exam, although thats almost more scary to me. I think I gave google blurry vision when it read my blog. I mean I can sympathize, sometimes I get blurry vision especially when I ignore my body. You know how it gets when you forget to eat or sleep for a couple days straight. If I keep mentioning bees and wasps do you think it will keep coming back with ads about bee and wasp removal or will it jump to some other conclusion. I wonder if I can affect the ads by writing about things that I think would be funny ads. What if its really just a sham. Google puts out these ads and tells you they are based on some super dee duper smarty pants algorithm but in reality they got some fat guy with acne all over his back who glances at your webpage and types in a couple keywords that trigger the ads you get. I bet he didn't even look at my page. He was probably wrapping up a long day of staring at the interwebs and just put in the first thing that came to mind: 'bees and wasps need eye exams.'

Ads

Sorry to anyone who thinks putting ads up is selling out, but times are tight. Also I was curious to see what sort of ads google matched to my blog, hopefully they'll be relevant although I seriously doubt it. In addition I did put them well out of the way so that they aren't too bothersome. I know how annoying it is when sites have banners with ads all up in your face. But if you feel like helping me out why not click the ads (I get money when people click the ads) then leave their sites immediately thats what I would do. Although I guess I really should suggest that. Damn I feel really bad for putting them up but at the same time I truly am curious as to what ads google will find relevant to my blog. And I am fucking broke so every little penny helps.

People in a Flood

And then I fell

down

It wasn't a horrific fall
Just enough to loosen my

brain you know how

You can sort of lose track of

whats going on and of

what just happened right

When you need to be at your sharpest

mentally

All of the gnats didn't help with
So many little pests swarming everywhere
I couldn't concentrate before

the fall as I started to

Get up I thought they were floaters
You know how sometimes
You get little black spots flitting around in
Your vision but the movements weren't

erratic enough to be made by

My mind there seemed to be
A pattern to what they were
Doing all this contemplating of little black dots wasn't helping
Me remember what was

going on but the giant

Wall of water should have been a bit of a clue
Too bad I was still in shock from the

fall

I didn't notice
The water till I was washed
Away the chill was quite a shock
Considering how warm it had been warm
Enough for a swarm of gnats I could
Not really concentrate on anything until the

flood

Had settled down a bit but when I did
Get a chance to look around it was a real mess
There was a lot of mud in the water and

lots of leaves leaves

Everywhere they seemed
To be coating every surface
I could see I still don't
Know where all of the leaves came from it
Wasn't like I was near a forest or

anything I

Don't even remember there being
Many bushes around but those

leaves must have

Come from somewhere I could

Just make out some other
People floating in the far
Distance so I tried to swim towards

them

By the time I had gone
A couple feet I was covered in
Leaves but I kept going maybe the
Leaves made them think

I was

Some kind of monster
I don't know
I never found out why
They shot me

Its hard to ask questions with your head blown off.